There are moments that change how you view things. For me it was a crisp Wanaka morning in late January around 6:30am, I was just walking out the door heading for my morning run up Mt Iron to watch the sunrise. I never made it up Mt Iron that morning as +1 647 flashed on my ph, I knew who it was important. People who know me well tend to get me on the ph earliest as they can in the morning because as soon as the rest of the world starts thinking it is a respectable time to call I am usually tied up. What I didn't know was that in the moment I answered how I viewed what I did day in, day out would change.
"Pearl, there is something I need to tell you before anyone else does. It's Sarah, she is gone" I don't remember the rest of the conversation. I just sat down on this seat in the middle of a walking track and couldn't stop the tears flowing. Day was breaking and the most magical sunrise started to emerge, you always imagine that when the world loses a bright light like Sarah Burke that everything, all the lights will go out. Instead for those who were blessed enough to know her at least in my own case it became more vivid.
The sunrise didn't feel like a sunrise, it felt like the greatest act of nature, the perfect opportunity to be truthful with my heart. Sitting on that bench I started to see everything clearer and if losing Sarah wasn't enough of a jolt my next one would come just weeks later when on a routine carry from base camp to chopper camp on Aconcagua, the 2nd highest of the 7 summits. Out of nowhere a freak rockfall would smash down the cliff and near wipe me out. As I lay there on the side of the mountain with the sound of my own screams piercing into the middle of nowhere, I realised I really don't want to die. I really love life despite those who look in on mountaineering and think it for the suicidal inclined. I don't climb for the danger, the ego of it. I climb because it's pure, climbing Everest was the very first thing as a child I wanted to do, it is a dream held in the deepest part of my heart.
When I'm in the mountains I can focus on the things that really matter to me, there isn't a step I take up there that I'm not thinking about the people I love. Thanking them for supporting my dream and believing in me. It's dangerous stuff, it's no place for egos or small talk. It is the single most confronting thing you can do with your head space and the reward is one of the most pure life experiences known to man. I've spoken with a woman who has become my very dear friend Suze Kelly about this at length. Her partner is my coach Guy Cotter, Suze is one of my favorite people to let into my head space because after years of loving Guy and been loved by a person who goes to the end of the world she gets it. There is a poem by EE Cummings 'I carry your heart', it talks about never been without those you truly love. Cummings goes on to describe such love as the wonder that keeps the stars apart and when you are at the edge of life, when you are on the mountain the furtherest you could possibly be from those people only then you have nothing to distract you from the things that matter most in your heart.
Suze has this amazing way of cutting through the crap, "do you love it?" she will say because she knows that in the end when you are at your limit in places even angels have feared to tread, the ego, the pride, all that additional garbage that you pin yourself to in righteous belief that we must box our love with our own stringent rules to protect our hearts from the fear of hurt. It's not going to matter, you're not going to think about it, because in that moment you're only thinking about what really matters, you're thinking about what you love and you're thinking about it in the most pure of ways free from all the additives organic so to speak.
The last time I spoke with Sarah it was via Skype, I had some things on my mind and she put them to rest by reminding me of the above. If anything her death should serve as a reminder to always do what you love and to treat the people you love like you really do love them.
This is how I see it. Love is faith, it is the highest declaration of faith. Everything lies beneath it, if you are someone reading this who struggles with a loved one who's passion leads them to tread where angels fear, if you are someone who has lost someone remember that in your act of loving them despite how they chase their dreams you are declaring that there is no place they can go without your love. Your faith in them to the point of loving them and risking losing on a grand scale is the very thing that when the chips are down and they can't possibly imagine how they will make it home, it is that faith that keeps them putting one foot in front of the other. For me, I know what I'm risking because I've been there on the frontline of it and at the same time not letting the people I love down, getting home to them is the single most important thing. It's the only thing that matters in the end and I pray that there's never a day that I have to be responsible for letting those people down.
The question must be asked "Why go at all, you know the risk, why go there?", There are many answers but the one that springs to mind right now is because it makes me a better person for the people I love. We could go on with the questions but that is the crux of it, following my dreams and treating life as an all in scenario, abandoning the back up plan so to speak makes me a better person for the people I love and if love is all that matters how could I not want to give those people along with myself that gift.
I know Sarah got that, she was the shining light that she was because she understood what really matters in the end and she not only excelled at chasing her dream but in turn she excelled at becoming the best possible person she could be for the people she loved and it is for that reason she will always be in those peoples hearts. She will remain part of the wonder that holds the stars apart.
Thank you Sarah.
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